Giving a cat liquid meds

Speak soothingly while smooshing cat between stomach and surface of table. Use thumb and forefinger to force jaws open. Place end of dropper as far back as possible in cat’s throat without actually touching any surface that might make cat gag. Quickly squirt out cold, bubble-gum flavored antibiotic liquid (first dose of 2). When cat’s gag reflex kicks in and forces dropper out, squirt half of liquid down cat’s chin and onto table and knock over remaining antibiotic whose convenient dropper-cap suddenly seems less convenient. Quickly force cat’s jaws shut to hold in what remains. Stroke cat’s throat when not busy removing clinging pointy claws from arm flesh or righting bottle of antibiotic. Attempt to gently stroke back in pink drool bubbles that have begun to emerge from cat’s mouth. Inadvertently cover cat with pink drool when cat begins to struggle and hands must double as forcible restraint devices. Smear cat’s front paws through spilled liquid. Curse…in a soothing tone.

Repeat. Try to temporarily ignore pink drool streams emerging from cat’s mouth. Take calculated look at sink and roll of paper towels halfway across room. Make a lunge for it. Notice pink stains on freshly pressed (and ever so hairy) white shirt as cat leaps from table and runs to safety under bed, shaking head all the while and scattering drooly pink antibiotic across furniture, walls, floors, fireplaces and other items you foolishly failed to cover in plastic sheeting. Spend several minutes attempting to lure cat out from under bed. Notice the time and give up. Clean up quickly and race to workplace. Use full roll of scotch tape to remove most hair from shirt. Slump in chair and/or carry around notepad to mask pink stains. Return home and discover pink panther paw-prints leading from bedroom to computer. Notice paw-prints on keyboard and mouse. Wonder what cat was using the computer for. Try not to think about the fact that “hit men” came up in recent saved searches just before “tuna delivery.”

Repeat.

Foolishly believe you’ll have your revenge later when you bathe the cat.